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I hate learning my wife's language and I feel awful for it Relationships, divorce and separation
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Junior Member 1 post SophieVictoria93 Junior Member 1 post
SophieVictoria93
Hello everyone,

I hope you are all well. This issue has been getting me down for some time now and I was wondering if anyone could advise or at least relate to this.

I have been with my wife for 6 and a half years, married for one month. Since the beginning of our relationship she has always expressed her desire for me to learn French (her native language) - not an unreasonable request, I know. Yet for 6 and a half years I have put it off, mainly due to work/university commitments and also my laziness. I have always felt very guilty about the fact that after all this time my French is at an amateur level, however the thought of learning or even speaking French in front of native French speakers fills me with an unexplainable dread. 

Finally, a couple of months ago I decided that it was time I started taking the French more seriously, so decided to enroll in a French language course. My wife is very happy about the fact that I have done this and I'm going diligently every week. However, what she doesn't know is that I absolutely loathe it.

I couldn't tell her this as I don't want her to feel like I am rejecting her culture, but as much as I love her, very little about French language or culture appeals to me, and every time I attempt the homework given at class it feels like a huge laborious task that often ends in me crying out of frustration or throwing the textbook at the wall. Ever since I was at school I have been dreadful at learning subjects where I have no interest - it's like my brain rejects the knowledge and doesn't let it stick (e.g. like with Maths). I did so much better at university than school because of this.

I am nearing the end of the course and I feel like I have learnt nothing, because it goes in one ear and out the other. I don't think it helps that I have a job that is very technical and requires a lot of strategy-devising and coding, so that by the time I leave work and rush to this 2 hour lesson, my brain is too tired to process anymore information. I feel awful that I can't just enjoy this and suck it up because I'm doing it for the woman I love, but the truth is I have zero passion for French and it is obstructing me from learning. My wife keeps asking me to speak French to her as she is assuming that by now I must have learnt something, but my mind keeps going blank so I refuse, which I know annoys her.
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familylives Administrator 1,437 posts
familylives
I sense that you are feeling very conflicted about this issue of learning French.  You have been struggling through this course but feel you have not learnt anything whilst also being frustrated at having to do it.  However, it sounds as though this is important to your wife and you are wanting to do it for her.  Does she know how you feel?  Communication is so important in any relationship and being open and honest can help to overcome issues.  If you are struggling to tell your wife how you are feeling, I wonder if you could show her what you have written here?  If you feel it would help, Marriage Care work to support healthy relationships.

If you feel you need further support please e-mail us at  askus@familylives.org.uk  or contact us through our live chat service which is open, Monday to Friday between 1.30pm and 9pm or call our freephone helpline on 0808 800 2222. 
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newbeginnings Junior Member 2 posts
newbeginnings
Hi OP

I am myself from abroad and speak 4 languages fluently. I travel regularly to see family and friends and am raising a trilingual child. My (now ex) husband (to be) never learned any of my languages. 

Let me begin with in the UK in my opinion you are not supported to learn languages well. That makes it so much harder for you. 

Also in my experience it's a head thing. I hated English when I first started to learn in school and I really struggled. As soon as I accepted i needed this, things changed for me and I caught up quickly. 

I also imagine a line in the sand. Before it you stumble. Decide to cross it and you may still stumble but you will be set free. It's practice practice practice, it's learning vocabulary and using the language. You can absolutely do this! But don;t treat it as a text book. Live it. (also look at 3-4hrs/week not 1 x) There is also language exchanges. 

I can only speak of my experience. My husband not learning meant every single holiday with family i had to translate. He never bonded with my family. Translating called me away from the conversation. It isolated us. 

When we had a child it significantly hindered my child learning my mother tongue well. Speaking my language to child meant he count be part of simple family conversations. 

For me it was a sign that he wasn't sufficiently committed to us as a family. 

Doesn't mean you are not!

I am just saying for me, my spouse never connecting with my language (bearing in mind I speak in a foreign language (English) every single day); was a big barrier. 

I would suggest you work on mind set and give yourself your best chance of learning by maximizing immersion, need and lessons. You can absolutely do this! Good luck xo 
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